So obviously I didn't set off to be like, super earth momma. In fact that task seems daunting so I sort of settle for something in the middle with a dash of loving the shit out of my children almost every second of the day..
10 years ago I was a carefree 19(ish) year old. I did not give a fuck, not a single one. I did other peoples drugs, drank other peoples beer, made friends, lost friends, moved a lot and basically could very well be described as slightly reckless but at the time I thought it could be considered charming. And in between all that there was Phil - let me tell you, everyone needs a Phil. Phil who yelled at me the time I asked for both a tuna sandwich and a stuffed baked potato and ate half of both...Phil who I called at 2am when my neighbor was getting beat up by her boyfriend, just so I could proudly tell him I called the police and most likely saved the day, Phil who always had good mix tapes for me, and bought me my first fan when I moved into a tiny teeny apartment in Jersey City that had roaches (he even told me what they were, WHAT A GUY..) and you know it takes six seconds to fall in love with someone but with Phil it was like six seconds happened every single day and it was amazing. When you click with someone like that well, you want to make amazing babies.
Paige made me give a shit. She made me question our education system, vaccination, over-medicating of our children, and why it's so goddamn wrong to want to sleep with your child curled up against you for the night. I navigated stupid comments and sleepless nights and in the meantime tried to find my "village.." I started a group for "slightly crunchy" people because fully crunchy, I am not. Through the group I've met those that are way more into holistic living, and I've learnt so much for them (sometimes while eating Cheese Itz and that's okay too, I think..) and the thing is, today I started a new medication and it got me thinking holy fuck I'm a cliche. Here I am talking about not vaccinating and today I started a new medication for ADD and how not natural momma of me is that.
Here's the thing: I firmly believe that children are over-medicated. If you expect a small child (even the most calm) to sit at a desk for 7+ hours without fidgeting or daydreaming about tree-houses during math, you're crazy. And you can't swing that around and make it a diagnoses that requires medication you just need to let them get up and stretch. Go play. Imagine. And children these days are required to sit at a desk while in the meantime eating nothing but shit processed food. Which wreaks havoc on our bodies and changes the way we heal and act. So wow yes, screwed up.
But that doesn't mean that sometimes there is such a thing as A.D.D or OCD, both of which I firmly think I have. My OCD comes in the form of "what if.." and it's not pretty. To some degree worrying is a part of everyone's lives, but it shouldn't be debilitating. Some of the things I worry about are dark and ugly and while they should be visited at least once in a blue moon, thinking of them everyday makes for an un-happy slightly deranged momma And the ADD comes in the form of being really forgetful and unable to do simple things that most people can do. It makes writing painful and retaining information even more painful. So yep, I take medication for both. Not super high doses and (for some) it won't be everyday but and I do and because of that I can be this super momma that I aim to be. Attachment parent oriented, homeschooling, making sure that they are getting the nurturing through hugs and kisses and yummy food and books. And so I guess I'm a cliche.
And I know a part of me is writing this because I feel guilty. Because I wish some herbal tonic would help me overcome my issues, but it doesn't happen. Because sometimes modern medicine (when not pushed down your throat) can be a god-send. Just like I think that for children in Africa a vaccine can mean life or death, my Zoloft means happy momma vs angsty one.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT.
I've finally found our weekly Autumn rhythm. And it will get tweaked, and when the holidays roll around and there's adventures it will go out the window but it makes me happy to see it and just have it. Paige is starting up riding again and she's pumped, and a small teeny part of me wants to give it a try. I won't lie horses scare the shit out of me (hello so large and unruly) but I do want to I don't know, gallop somewhere cool.